It has been a long time we have been in touch. So much so, that sometimes I can’t seem to remember your face. It’s a bit blurry for me. I guess my memory seems to be fading away and I can only remember you vaguely in some moments I cannot forget and some things that I can’t seem to let go.
I am writing you this letter to tell you that things have changed for me and for everyone around me. I am no longer tied to people and the time I used to spend listening to changes in other people’s life is now spent on changing my own. For some reason I am busy with my life, and for some stranger reason I have accepted this reason. I look at the sun go down from the clear glass in my office and the sun which comes up only after my alarm wakes me up. I keep looking at my cell phone still, but not when I am lonely, I have learned to keep myself busy. I check my mail every day, more than once a day, but I don’t seem to write back to my friends. I tell myself they are my friends and they will understand, but I do forward occasional mails sometimes to let them know I am still here. I have learned to eat alone and go to sleep alone; I don’t call it loneliness anymore simply a lifestyle now. I tell myself I am happy, I am supposed to be, because I seem well adjusted.
Yesterday, I find you in photographs that I have to see, to remind me of you, writings I have to read to tell me how you were and things I have to say to tell me you are still there in my past. I have become everything that I wanted to be in the future and yet lost everything I wanted in my present. I have become conscious of my thoughts, I don’t share them with people anymore and neither do I write them down. I don’t seem to have time for reconciliations and facing the things that mean something to me, I simply tell others we can talk about it later. I don’t trust them, like in yesterday I will find people who would want to know me for a reason, so I question everyone’s motives; including my own. I found a different reason to keep myself bottled up, to keep my phone; password protected and my life secret even from my best friends. I tell myself, what if they know too much about my life? I need a sense of privacy to assure me I am a lot of myself and a little to other people who influence me, the same influence that I used to call sharing and caring and advice. I am confused sometimes, because of the changes I see around myself and the reason I don’t want to change.
Dear yesterday, how I wish I could show you the present day, and tell you that I have been trying to let you go and yet again tell you that you are special to me. I look for a different tomorrow every day and yet I can’t seem to forget that yesterday. But I owe a lot to you and I wish I could look back and draw more things from you. But then I always know you have changed my present and will always impact my future. Tonight I may not look back anymore, but somewhere somehow I want to believe that in my relationships, in my lost time and decisions I will always find you.
Love,
The Present
