The Human Addiction

I wonder about this human connection

I question whether it’s possible to have a human addiction

Whether on some level, we all find that; which is but different,

Somewhere, somehow just a feeling that stays dormant.

I find a different reason, to be with or without,

And yet I find no reasons for the feelings that change & the thoughts that surround.

Different choices every day, the difference we make in each other’s lives,

And often unseen, and the changes for which we seem to strive.

To be ourselves with someone, to be different and yet who we are,

To live our dreams as though it matters most; when we are far.

I pack my bags tonight; and leave out everything that matters around you,

And yet my addiction grows with days, as I can’t see to reach through.

I can’t think of a better reason to tell you why I need an explanation,

I cannot shake this feeling that you aren’t there, and yet I am addicted to this allegation.

I think of a reason whether it’s possible to be bored tonight,

With the people who mattered to me, who’s definition I fail to revive.

I choose not to look at places I was, & the people I chose,

As I find my life awakened and my day coming to a close.

I sit back in my room today and wait for my feelings to subside,

Whether I am addicted to another human; never crosses my mind.

In every way and every step of the feeling that aren’t true,

I often look for answers, one’s that no longer reaches out to you.

I wait for things to get better, to see if things are different today,

I just seem to love the addiction much more and the feeling that I’ll be “okay”.

In desperation, my inspiration. .

In simply so much as my own desperation,

I look for an insight; I look for my inspiration,

In everyday I find to wrap up the unwound truth about me,

The “me” I seem to be losing to everyday, the one that isn’t free

In unanswered complaints and unanswered mails lies my hidden heart,

In places I don’t look for anymore, places I could never start

I linger in my belief, resting in my choices and my indignation,

I have become but everything, far beyond my imagination.

With hope I stare on at your face, your heart,

I can’t seem to find what I was looking for & yet feel close even if we are apart

I take the first step everyday to be indifferent, one day at a time,

And yet it feels so unfair, as I convince myself this decision isn’t mine

Tomorrow you might find a different day, one that doesn’t bother you any more,

For some reason I will find a different day too, just that I know I will be long gone

I will question my beliefs, every decision I took when you were around,

Because I know it in my head, I can still find in my heart, your undying sound

In the spaces between the lines, the words I write today,

I wish they are looked, and searched for meaning in at least some way.

Tonight you decide to show me how far I am to you, & yet so close you are to mine,

The feeling that won’t go away, as I keep wishing till the end of time

In desperate hopes and dreams I try for a different start,

Only to find my past holds me down, with things I couldn’t understand

The decision was never mine to take, never yours to take,

As I find my desperation, my inspiration and the reason I don’t believe in fate.

My friend undefined . .

I fiddle with my words, my thoughts tonight,

I wonder how to put them true, how do I write

I ponder upon my past, knowing it hard to fight,

I wonder if your try the same, every single night.

I pour myself with questions, and wish for no regrets tonight,

When I look at my friends, and my past losing sight,

So hard to give up sometimes, so hard to give in,

So hard to accept that things change, always from what they have been.

I sit with my doubts, and fears and unwound change,

As I tell you things will often go by, but impressions remain

I sometimes believe that life isn't fair,

I sit with you telling you of moments that are no longer there

I am right there lost and yet sitting by your side,

I know that there are some things I can never abide,

No questions asked today, no complains to tell,

Just an old friend and friendship & an old tale

I may not be a beginning, and may not find you an end,

But all I can offer you is endless time and a wonderful friend.

A friend finds hope in the darkest of time,

And yet that best of friendship remains undefined

My reality sublime. .

I sleep in my warm blanket in this cold winter night,

Watching life change and alter in front of my eyes.

I wrap myself in a peaceful belief,

As I put my heart to rest and put my mind to sleep.

I know there are no explanations; I don't need one too,

Just that my thoughts will always reach out to you.

In my dreams I build my real world tonight,

Because nothing makes sense as I lose your sight.

A long road ahead; at the end of the day,

I am hoping I will be "me"; I'll be different some way.

I look for corners that aren’t stuffy in my heart,

Places I would run to when I didn’t know how to start.

In simple writings I would express my soul,

I would give up on something beautiful, give up on it all

And yet everyday when I make the move ahead in time,

I fail to recognize that you, so close so mine

In frail heartbeats and secrets, let the reasons be there,

Let the reason tell the truth, the truth so sincere

I may not live a life of my own, I may be indifferent at last

But I know I simply gave up on something, but my feelings today I could not cast

In tomorrow when you find me, a friend, a guide, in memories so close

Let me be back to a happy you, let me return to what I chose.

And if the handwritings and photographs could not say a word,

Let me say the first one, as you let me move on, as you let me move forward

Some say distances speak of a heart’s desire, often of things that are never mine,

And yet we write of more sunsets than sunshine, as I look for my reality sublime.

Feels like. . .

Feels like a jolt of lightning passing right through my heart,

Feels likes a fresh morning, and one of life’s kick start.

Feels like evening when the sun sets tonight but the day knows no end,

I look at the glaring sun, on the horizon as though waiting for a friend.

Feels like destiny, feels like the future so changed,

Feels like everything that’s gone, and yet the feeling remains.

Feels like the last fight, like changes and amends that mattered yesterday,

But where do I keep them locked up, where do I find no dismay.

Feels like joining hands once again, sitting down to pray with your heart,

Like a distant wish we get to make, a wish which we don’t know what to ask.

Feels like a faint breath, before a warm handshake, before a hug to comfort me by,

I know I have always been indifferent, just never wished I would try.

Feels like faith so changed, feels like lost time again,

How I wish I could get back at life, with everything that isn’t mundane.

Feels like seasons, like days, like moments in time,

Feels like a different role to play, when I know I did my part, all that was mine.

Feels like many smiles, and warm memories I forever live by,

I will tell you tonight that in my writing you will find me, if you find time just try.

Feels like an advice, a big help, a big change that forever changes life,

I know I felt different, but for a fighting chance I forever will, strive.

Let me just keep the hope, the smile tonight,

No questions asked, no explanations and no worries for a while.

Feels like the leaf, which forever falls so close and yet so far from the tree,

Whether it is a touch, or simply the wind that breaks my fall & leaves me as “me”

For ever be...

So close that my breath feels so faint,

So true to my heart, that my memory seems taint.

So special a touch tonight, that forever changed the day,

So complete it feels tonight as I look for words to say.

Silent footsteps how I wish I would never hear,

Sum feelings I know are right & those that I have to bear.

I find you on a shallow beach, on a mountain far away,

Watching the sun go down, the day change every day.

The feeling that's some things exist & yet r never meant to be,

The honest truth that I cannot touch, the reality I can see.

We have broken promises & made amends every single day,

And yet we seem to be falling apart in every way.

They tell us truth is about what the world means,

I find simply a meaning that lies but unseen.

If words could forever hold, and songs could for ever play,

How I wish I could live my life, all but once with no dismay.

And the silence in my head, that forever rings aloud,

I can live with many things, with just a wishful sound

I believe in being you, in being the best that I can be,

I will always look for an explanation, whether or not, you want one from me.

We remain.....

I write today with my heart's delight,

I may not have won but I know I put up a fight.

I write today with expressions so strong,

And meaning to my words that seem lost all along.

Everywhere tonight I find u both in shadows and in the light,

Trying to be different, and yet the same by my side.

Every choice I make today, seems a distant truth that changed,

And every time I try I know I am only making amends

It may not be a feeling, just a memory I can’t seem to forget,

Or simply an understanding that in time I fairly regret.

I may not take a chance, make a difference anymore,

I comfort myself in telling, I was with you for all the walks down the shore.

In the yesterday and the tomorrow, that for ever liese unseen,

I can nevr blame the times that have been true and those that have not been,

 If I could write poems, so simple & sings songs that made sense,

I wish I knew if I could make bigger differences and our lives we could change

If I could tell you something tonight, in the hope you’ll understand,

I would tell you it was warm inside, when I simply held your hand.

Truth is how I hold my memories so close, so deep,

A distant journey and my life unseen.

For you to be a part, to be a difference somehow,

I changed in every way, knowing if things did matter, it matters now.

For this to be a different day to be a better choice tonight,

I look for only a different hope, & to know in my heart I tried.

I may find it harder to be indifferent, harder to change,

But tonight in some pages of my life still, our memory remains.

"we" remain.

When no one listen's to silent complains...

When no one's listening to silent complains,

We find happiness in telling ourselves, we live in our own world.

Buried in our own remains.

When no one changes; what we call fate tonight,

The destiny we could all change, the one for which we didn’t fight.

It doesn’t matter what the decision matters tonight, just that there is one for me to make,

It doesn’t matter if we are not willing to change, it doesn’t matter what decisions we take

Scared of the changes, the identity we call ourselves own, the world we call ours so close,

The reality we never wanted to face and the changes that we simply didn’t choose.

Chances that what’s wrong can’t be made right again, and neither right made whole again,

Chances are that, our being “ourselves” and living the life we find insane.

Looking for directions we are too scared to ask, truths we often forget to tell,

When the time comes, we seem to think we are unheard even if we yell

I can look for a distant echo in my heart, the resonating sound I seem to hum always, the feeling that I know is so mine,

Where home is but home again, and the days are always different like the evening sunset or the morning sunrise

I reason my choices, the ‘me” and the world I call my own this day,

And every path I haven’t travelled, everywhere I haven’t looked, knowing it would end someday.

Why is it luck, why is it realization to have faith one last time, every time we choose to give up, so many a times?

Why is it; true friendship, true humanity and the things that truly mattered are harder to tell ourselves,

“you are not mine”?

 I play my song today on the piano, on the guitar, the violin and everything that has been a chord,

When my word simply seems to be making sense, and in my insanity I lay discord.

From the present to yesterday..

Dear Yesterday,

It has been a long time we have been in touch. So much so, that sometimes I can’t seem to remember your face. It’s a bit blurry for me. I guess my memory seems to be fading away and I can only remember you vaguely in some moments I cannot forget and some things that I can’t seem to let go.

I am writing you this letter to tell you that things have changed for me and for everyone around me. I am no longer tied to people and the time I used to spend listening to changes in other people’s life is now spent on changing my own. For some reason I am busy with my life, and for some stranger reason I have accepted this reason. I look at the sun go down from the clear glass in my office and the sun which comes up only after my alarm wakes me up. I keep looking at my cell phone still, but not when I am lonely, I have learned to keep myself busy. I check my mail every day, more than once a day, but I don’t seem to write back to my friends. I tell myself they are my friends and they will understand, but I do forward occasional mails sometimes to let them know I am still here. I have learned to eat alone and go to sleep alone; I don’t call it loneliness anymore simply a lifestyle now. I tell myself I am happy, I am supposed to be, because I seem well adjusted.

Yesterday, I find you in photographs that I have to see, to remind me of you, writings I have to read to tell me how you were and things I have to say to tell me you are still there in my past. I have become everything that I wanted to be in the future and yet lost everything I wanted in my present. I have become conscious of my thoughts, I don’t share them with people anymore and neither do I write them down. I don’t seem to have time for reconciliations and facing the things that mean something to me, I simply tell others we can talk about it later. I don’t trust them, like in yesterday I will find people who would want to know me for a reason, so I question everyone’s motives; including my own. I found a different reason to keep myself bottled up, to keep my phone; password protected and my life secret even from my best friends. I tell myself, what if they know too much about my life? I need a sense of privacy to assure me I am a lot of myself and a little to other people who influence me, the same influence that I used to call sharing and caring and advice. I am confused sometimes, because of the changes I see around myself and the reason I don’t want to change.

Dear yesterday, how I wish I could show you the present day, and tell you that I have been trying to let you go and yet again tell you that you are special to me. I look for a different tomorrow every day and yet I can’t seem to forget that yesterday. But I owe a lot to you and I wish I could look back and draw more things from you. But then I always know you have changed my present and will always impact my future. Tonight I may not look back anymore, but somewhere somehow I want to believe that in my relationships, in my lost time and decisions I will always find you.

Love,

The Present

In tonight..

In photo frames and paintings that fill the wall of my home,

I look for lost memories in my heart, the place that I call my own

In helpings hands and healing touch that I seem to be lend so many a times,

I wonder if I ever found the warmth, the feel the touch, simply one; that went out to mine.

This night when it all seems to faint, so vague in the thoughts that surround tonight,

I find it hard to figure things out, things that have been long gone; from my sight,

I say things will never change, if we don’t want them to, I believe we can try

Sometimes in fate, in luck or destiny I know I can’t hold on to things; that are mine.

I believe in logic, in questions I find a different world, in reason that I often comply,

Then why don’t I learn to let go, even without my friend by my side,

I believe in faith, in the truth that I paint on this canvas I touch tonight,

For everything that’s both coloured and grey and all that for which I had put up a fight

In tonight I believe in magic, in luck in chances, if they can flip my pages back,

I wish to move on, to find the real you and me, and the things that we lack

In great simplicity I write my words, I choose the meaning from my heart,

I keep looking for a way into our lives, and the race that ended before it could start

I find love, in the unexpected planes, in hopes and dreams that seems so real, so true,

O plight, I find in the real world, where I am still here, but with everything, and everything but “ you”

I question sometimes..

I question sometimes, my own beliefs,

My thoughts my reasons and what it all means.

I question sometimes, whether things just happen; are they just meant to be,

I question sometimes, how bound I find myself, when I am free.

I question sometimes my hope that wakes me up everyday,

Just when I thought it would be easy to give up, to give away.

I question sometimes, when in my decisions I seem to lose every fight,

I am supposed to let you go, but can’t even seem to lose your sight.

I question sometimes, my motives what just seems to have meaning today,

Just the dream that I seem to chase every single day.

I question sometimes, when I grew up why I look for the kid today,

Why I hope to keep the spirit alive in my hopes someway.

I question sometimes, why I write; what I write with my heart,

I have just learned to keep hoping even when I don’t know where to start.

Moving on...

Moving on, my world, my life so mine,

Moving on, my happiness, my breath, the song on my wind chime.

Moving on, my questions that remain unanswered,

Moving on, my insecurities, my fear & all that's unaltered.

Moving on, my silence, my words & the things I really mean,

Moving on, with my choices & all that is but unseen.

Moving on, the memories, the thoughts that linger behind,

Moving on, towards the setting sun, as we move on from the sunshine,

Moving on, from chances and strides and choices we cannot change,

Moving on, from characters and people and our life estranged,

Moving on, from feeling that are true, yet never mine nor yours,

Moving on, from our fates, and things that were beyond our choice.

Moving on, the things I do to see a smile,

Moving on, to let you be happy, so distant yet mine.

Moving on, my word, my brush, my pen,

Moving on, letting you to take the step not hold on.

Moving on, treading along your last song,

Moving on, is it the fear or just my unwillingness that stops you from moving on.

Some things Sometimes........

Some things don't come with guarantees, no returns and no receipts,

Just a silence follows by, and a feeling when I know this something is mine.

Sometimes life isn't about destiny or fate,

It neither about things in life you can or cannot change.

Some people don't change for time; they just change in time,

It’s just a simple fact that beauty is; but all sublime.

Some lives are never yours or mine to live; to be a part may be just,

Some journeys are never embarked, like a ship at sea we rust.

Some truths are never told, in the fear that they will change too much,

Every once in a while I try to figure out, what we are looking for to trust.

Some places are never marred in rain, in snow or the warm sunshine,

Places that create memories and the ones that you call mine.

Some reasons are never enough to be angry or even lose your mind,

How you wish you could change things we said things we didn't understand.

Some memories are never mine to keep, to forget or ever share,

On some silent night, when you don't know how lonely I get when I stare.

Some moments ago I made the change, the call that matters most,

I told myself to be free, to let go of things and hope it doesn't matter what I have lost.

Some days are never about knowing whether we are right or wrong,

It’s just about the times you are ready to look beyond, just sing the song.

Some things don't matter they are just here, they come and go,

I just keep thinking of the times that did, and that for some reason are no more.

Some time I realize, realization will come late in life and sometimes hope,

I just hope I am no one's bad decision, no one's regret or remorse.

Some things are better unanswered like the magic, the mystery that remains,

Like our lives so involved, the relation and the relationship that remains unnamed.

My last farewell...

My last farewell my loneliest night tonight,

The day I know it's all gone the reason to put up a fight.

My horizon, my skyline & all the things I cannot touch,

And situations in life that I can't change much.

Evening sounds and sights that forever echo in my heart,

The times I thought it was all over before I could start.

I wish I had a story line to read back and forth in time,

A fate that is both known and unknown, but one which is mine.

I think of all the times, would it matter someday?

Would just being there for you be a difference someway?

I am just a hope, a faith, a believer in you,

In everything I believe at least my faith is always true.

Do you sometimes think it’s all about names, what relations mean sometimes?

Do you think its unspoken words like wind caught in my wind chime?

I open my window tonight; the cold breeze fills inside,

Have I really become that cold inside, or have I truly forgotten being warm by your side?

How do I start to draw the line, to reach all that's left behind?

My roadmap to my memories, to the places I can no longer find.

In my dreams & hopes that are forever young,

I find a long lost hope for which I long.

In my simple words & simple truth tonight,

I find everything so clear & yet the "you" I know so well is out of my sight.

In the letters that I wrote & the photo frames we shared in time,

I seem to find something so subtle, a feeling that I feel is both your & mine.

Beautiful tonight is this warmth, this drop of rain on my face,

Beautiful tonight are those moments I know I cannot erase.

In times I let my words speak so calm, so free,

Of uncertain times & of the times that will be

How much is good enough, how much is too much for u & me,

In fail to answer these questions, in the hope of being free.

How I like these chains that bind me to you,

For freedom is just a different way of telling “you” are not there with “me” & I am no longer with "you"

Chances are..

Chances are; we are never wrong or right,

Chances are; we are never trying to win, maybe just trying to lose a fight

Chances are; it’s too late already, for the good to be better and the bad to be worse

Chances are; we can only find ecstasy in all that we remorse,

Chances are we had our last fights, our last goodbyes and handshakes,

Chances are we have already broken; what all we could make,

Chances are; things have already changed ahead in time,

Chances are; we were much more than friends, when my friendship was "yours" and your was "mine"

Chances are; the music I made, the songs I wrote have been forgotten like their verse,

Chances are; the letters to be written, will remain unwritten for lack of words

Chances are; our feelings will never truly change in the journey called life,

Chances are; we have moved on, more than ever, but we have survived

Chances are; every right that you thought, was never wrong to begin,

Chances are; all we live for is a reason, and the reasons lie unseen

Chances are; we will always fight, with no reason, and yet never complain,

Chances are; we are only scared of one thing and that one thing is "change"

Chances are; the times I have let go of things, I have never realized,

Chances are; those things were never mine to begin with, just a phase in time

Chances are; this poem; these words will fade in my memory so strong,

Chances are; I was never praying or hoping for perfect, I just knew “this is where I belonged”

Chances are; I may not get to write and yet my words don’t seem to fade,

Chances are; my voice will fade too but my warm heart, and my friendship remains.